Thinking What I Mean

How distressingly lax I've been about my blogging.  It's ironic, really, because in January I took a spiritual development class that included learning to journal well.  I've since started a paper journal and grossly neglected this electronic one. 

But that has me thinking about what I share and when.  Sometimes I think I would like one day to say the things I mull over on paper to the "world" on this blog.  I like to think that it would be a lesson in being my authentic self. 

But of course, I never would, because even when I talk to myself, I edit.

It's incredible to me how much I edit my thoughts in my own head, asking, "Should this be said?  Should this be said now?  Should this be said by me?"  And it's a help and a hindrance.  Lost chances and last minute saves come from our editing.  Tact, nuance, all these things that we run our brains over everyday, almost without thought, help us to, I think, love our neighbors. 

And as much as I would relish living "uncensored," love is more important.

I See the Lord Seated on the Throne

 

This is  new ornament I recently acquired.  I'm starting to build up my grown-up ornament collection, and what better way to do that than with a small reminder of God's huge and awesome presence!

Psalm 72:17-19

May his name endure forever;
   may it continue as long as the sun.

   Then all nations will be blessed through him,
   and they will call him blessed.

Praise be to the LORD God, the God of Israel,
   who alone does marvelous deeds.

Praise be to his glorious name forever;
   may the whole earth be filled with his glory.
            Amen and Amen.

Sew On and So On

I’m learning how to quilt!

Quilting was my grandma’s favorite hobby.  I really regret not learning more about it when she was still around, so I’m not wasting any more time now.  Mom is helping me learn the tricks of the trade.  We have such a great time with it- talking about patterns, picking out fabric…this is what I call bonding time. 

I associate quilting with time.  In my family we have quilts from all sorts of relatives that have been around forever, given for any number of reasons.  Essentially, I think a quilt, especially a gifted quilt, is a gift of yourself to another- “I loved you enough to piece together this blanket with my own hands.”  My grandmother gave each of her grandchildren a quilt for high school graduation.  She wasn’t well enough to make mine herself, but she still chose it especially for me.   I’ll treasure it always, as a dear sweet memory of Grandma until I see her again in God’s Kingdom. 

So, with a couple table runners and coaster sets until the old belt, my next project is an actual quilt. to start training so that soon I can give a piece of myself to some one else in quilted form.  It’s going to be slow going, I’m sure, but I’ll keep updating my progress.  Today I finalized the color pattern and started cutting.  Kelsea helped me sew it together too.  

Updates to come!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

Songs of Innocence and Experience

Little Lamb, who made thee?

         Dost thou know who made thee?

Gave thee life, and bid thee feed

By the stream and o'er the mead;

Gave thee clothing of delight,

Softest clothing, woolly, bright;

Gave thee such a tender voice,

Making all the vales rejoice?

         Little Lamb, who made thee?

         Dost thou know who made thee?

         Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,

         Little Lamb, I'll tell thee:

He is called by thy name,

For he calls himself a Lamb.

He is meek, and he is mild;

He became a little child.

I a child, and thou a lamb.

We are called by his name.

         Little Lamb, God bless thee

         Little Lamb, God bless thee 

 

-William Blake, "The Lamb," from Songs of Innocence and Experience

The Summer Recap

So, it's been a while.  A very long, crazy, thrilling while.

Should we start at the beginning and work our way down?

In May I finished my first year at the College of Idaho and moved home for the summer.  It's strange how you can live in one place for 19 years, leave for about 10 months, and find everything completely different.  And it's not just home that's changed- it's me.  For the first few weeks I was home, I would misjudge the width of the hall and smack into the wall while turning a corner.  I would forget where certain dishes were kept in the kitchen.  And I realized how much I enjoyed and took for granted my independence at school.  Dorm living was not my favorite thing in the world, but it gave me a taste of one delicious facet of adulthood- independent living.

June was a heartbreaker.  At the end of that month my beautiful, strong, courageous Grandma went to heaven.  The pain still sears.  Losing her became a power struggle between me and God.  I was angry and hurt, and I thought God should have made it all better.  It took a lot of crying out to Him for me to eventually be still so He could show me His goodness and mercy.  

Before this happened, heaven was just a vague idea that I "believed" in because I was a Christian and that's what we did.  But when my own, only grandmother "went home," I had to seriously evaluate what I thought was meant by "home."   John 14:1-5 says:

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  

My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  

And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  

You know the way to the place where I am going.”

 Bottom line- Heaven is there.  It is as real as Jesus, with His death burial and resurrection.  If He says it is so, then it IS SO.  If I truly believe in Jesus as Lord of Life, I absolutely must believe what he says is true.  So, God took Grandma home.  And one of these days, I hope I'll be going too.

So, riding a wave of grief and faith-angst, I rolled into July.  You know what that means- IVYDALE.  It's hard to put my love for Ivydale into words.  I really feel that I'm only the Christian woman I am today because of the work God did on me through this camp.  I had the privilege of putting in my second year as a counselor at teen camp, which means I was serving God with my best friends while meeting beautiful teens who were absolutely THIRSTY for God to speak to them.  In other words: Best.  Week.  Ever.  Our lessons were based around the old Testament prophets, major and minor.  That's a ton to fit into one week, but our speakers Clint and Kevin gave a Herculean effort and pulled it off.  

Let me say a few things about Kevin:  This man is my mentor.  He's got all the dirt on me, and he still enjoys being around me.  He gives me advice whenever I need it.  He prays for me.  I hope everyone can find a mentor to teach them about Christ and to be an example of Him in life.  

The best thing about camp for me, and maybe the part I needed most, was becoming a mentor myself to the girls in my cabin.  There is nothing more fulfilling than watching someone reach closer to God.  I can't believe I was fortunate enough to be a part of that.

Seriously.  God gives me everything I need at exactly the moment I need it!  For example (and I feel like I can tell y'all this without you spilling the beans on me)... 

I have an amazing friend- the kind that I wish was more than a friend, if you know what I mean.  The sheer fact that I met him is pretty much a God thing- this wonderful, hilarious, soulful, Christian guy just happened to be serving in a place that brought him to Ivydale the same year I began work as counselor?  This is no coincidence.  And then he comes back a second year?  How did I get so lucky??  So, it's no secret I think he's a pretty big deal.  But NOTHING'S HAPPENED YET.  And this is frustrating.  As Jane Austen aptly put it, 

"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."

 

Embarrassing to admit? Yes.  Scary because it's kind of true?  Also yes.  So.  I have love issues.  Which, I believe, is a tool God has given me with which to grow.  I've come to think that I cannot love anyone until I love myself, and I cannot love myself until I truly realize how much God loves me.  So, step one: loving myself.  I am very self deprecating, as a rule.  I put off baptism for years for fear that I wasn't good enough for Jesus to die for.   But, John 3:16 isn't just words:

 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

The world.  Meaning every one.  Meaning me.  Yup.  Little ol' insignificant, silly me.  Amazing.  The very least Jesus deserves in return is my life in service to Him.  I am good enough to give myself to Him.  He is forever, He will never leave me, and He will provide for me.  Which leads to step two: accepting God's answers.  I admit it- I talk God's ear off about my dream man sometimes.  He knows how I feel, and He knows how my friend feels.  If God's plan is to put us together, I will be happy.  If His plan is to keep us as friends, I will be happy.  It's God's call.

Wow.  That got semi sappy and possibly incoherent.  But, moving on...

It's August.  What's up with that?  I start my senior year of college on September 1st.  My sister and I move into our very own apartment next Tuesday.  That's scary.  I have no idea what I'm going to do after i graduate.  I don;t even know if it's even going to be in the same field as my degree.  It's something I have anxiety about- along with my love life, and academic life, and family life.  My biggest struggle is remembering I'm not alone.  Here's something I picked up at Ivydale, from Zephaniah 3:17:

The LORD your God is with you,
   the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
   in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
   but will rejoice over you with singing.”

 

Pray for me, please.  I will pray for you.

Where Do I Go?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads.

Nothing I do here really makes me happy.  I'm not fulfilled.  

I'm afraid of disappointing my family.

I want a change.  I want to do something different.  Something wholly for God.  And I really don't believe I can do that here.

Kensho

Matthew 26:36-46

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.  “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy.  So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.

 Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners.  Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”

Yesterday in my Bible study we discussed one of the Hard Questions:

Why do good people suffer?

Sometimes I feel like this is one of the impossible questions set before me by my faith.  No matter what I do, I have a hard time finding what I consider a "good" answer.  Is it to strengthen our resolve in leaning on Jesus in hard times?  To lead people to Christ who realize they can't deal with their sufferings themselves?

Today I found another answer.

It is common in Zen Buddhism for a student to be given a paradoxical statement or question (called a ko-an) to meditate on to facilitate enlightenment (sound anything like what I was doing?).  The point of such a phrase is to silence your rational mind to find the deeper meaning.  When a student is meditating, perhaps on such a question, sometimes, if the student were to show signs of dozing off, their master could yell at them, startling them out of lethargy.  It was described to me as shaking a snow globe that had settled.  By disturbing the mind, it opens to new possibilities.

So, could this question not be a kind of ko-an, with no rational answer, but simply a tool with which to meditate on God and how He leads me to and out of these situations of suffering, and how I really just need to learn to surrender consciously to His will?  And also that I need to be alert in order to UNDERSTAND, to become ENLIGHTENED by seeing my suffering through God's eyes rather than my own?

I'll pray about it.  I'll stay alert.  I'll listen for God to guide me in my discoveries of His vast and wonderful will.  I'm ready.