So, it's been a while. A very long, crazy, thrilling while.
Should we start at the beginning and work our way down?
In May I finished my first year at the College of Idaho and moved home for the summer. It's strange how you can live in one place for 19 years, leave for about 10 months, and find everything completely different. And it's not just home that's changed- it's me. For the first few weeks I was home, I would misjudge the width of the hall and smack into the wall while turning a corner. I would forget where certain dishes were kept in the kitchen. And I realized how much I enjoyed and took for granted my independence at school. Dorm living was not my favorite thing in the world, but it gave me a taste of one delicious facet of adulthood- independent living.
June was a heartbreaker. At the end of that month my beautiful, strong, courageous Grandma went to heaven. The pain still sears. Losing her became a power struggle between me and God. I was angry and hurt, and I thought God should have made it all better. It took a lot of crying out to Him for me to eventually be still so He could show me His goodness and mercy.
Before this happened, heaven was just a vague idea that I "believed" in because I was a Christian and that's what we did. But when my own, only grandmother "went home," I had to seriously evaluate what I thought was meant by "home." John 14:1-5 says:
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.
My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?
And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.
You know the way to the place where I am going.”
Bottom line- Heaven is there. It is as real as Jesus, with His death burial and resurrection. If He says it is so, then it IS SO. If I truly believe in Jesus as Lord of Life, I absolutely must believe what he says is true. So, God took Grandma home. And one of these days, I hope I'll be going too.
So, riding a wave of grief and faith-angst, I rolled into July. You know what that means- IVYDALE. It's hard to put my love for Ivydale into words. I really feel that I'm only the Christian woman I am today because of the work God did on me through this camp. I had the privilege of putting in my second year as a counselor at teen camp, which means I was serving God with my best friends while meeting beautiful teens who were absolutely THIRSTY for God to speak to them. In other words: Best. Week. Ever. Our lessons were based around the old Testament prophets, major and minor. That's a ton to fit into one week, but our speakers Clint and Kevin gave a Herculean effort and pulled it off.
Let me say a few things about Kevin: This man is my mentor. He's got all the dirt on me, and he still enjoys being around me. He gives me advice whenever I need it. He prays for me. I hope everyone can find a mentor to teach them about Christ and to be an example of Him in life.
The best thing about camp for me, and maybe the part I needed most, was becoming a mentor myself to the girls in my cabin. There is nothing more fulfilling than watching someone reach closer to God. I can't believe I was fortunate enough to be a part of that.
Seriously. God gives me everything I need at exactly the moment I need it! For example (and I feel like I can tell y'all this without you spilling the beans on me)...
I have an amazing friend- the kind that I wish was more than a friend, if you know what I mean. The sheer fact that I met him is pretty much a God thing- this wonderful, hilarious, soulful, Christian guy just happened to be serving in a place that brought him to Ivydale the same year I began work as counselor? This is no coincidence. And then he comes back a second year? How did I get so lucky?? So, it's no secret I think he's a pretty big deal. But NOTHING'S HAPPENED YET. And this is frustrating. As Jane Austen aptly put it,
"A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment."
Embarrassing to admit? Yes. Scary because it's kind of true? Also yes. So. I have love issues. Which, I believe, is a tool God has given me with which to grow. I've come to think that I cannot love anyone until I love myself, and I cannot love myself until I truly realize how much God loves me. So, step one: loving myself. I am very self deprecating, as a rule. I put off baptism for years for fear that I wasn't good enough for Jesus to die for. But, John 3:16 isn't just words:
The world. Meaning every one. Meaning me. Yup. Little ol' insignificant, silly me. Amazing. The very least Jesus deserves in return is my life in service to Him. I am good enough to give myself to Him. He is forever, He will never leave me, and He will provide for me. Which leads to step two: accepting God's answers. I admit it- I talk God's ear off about my dream man sometimes. He knows how I feel, and He knows how my friend feels. If God's plan is to put us together, I will be happy. If His plan is to keep us as friends, I will be happy. It's God's call.
Wow. That got semi sappy and possibly incoherent. But, moving on...
It's August. What's up with that? I start my senior year of college on September 1st. My sister and I move into our very own apartment next Tuesday. That's scary. I have no idea what I'm going to do after i graduate. I don;t even know if it's even going to be in the same field as my degree. It's something I have anxiety about- along with my love life, and academic life, and family life. My biggest struggle is remembering I'm not alone. Here's something I picked up at Ivydale, from Zephaniah 3:17:
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
Pray for me, please. I will pray for you.
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