Where Do I Go?

I feel like I'm at a crossroads.

Nothing I do here really makes me happy.  I'm not fulfilled.  

I'm afraid of disappointing my family.

I want a change.  I want to do something different.  Something wholly for God.  And I really don't believe I can do that here.

Kensho

Matthew 26:36-46

Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”

 Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.”

 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Couldn’t you men keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter.  “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”

 He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.”

 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy.  So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing.

 Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour has come, and the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners.  Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”

Yesterday in my Bible study we discussed one of the Hard Questions:

Why do good people suffer?

Sometimes I feel like this is one of the impossible questions set before me by my faith.  No matter what I do, I have a hard time finding what I consider a "good" answer.  Is it to strengthen our resolve in leaning on Jesus in hard times?  To lead people to Christ who realize they can't deal with their sufferings themselves?

Today I found another answer.

It is common in Zen Buddhism for a student to be given a paradoxical statement or question (called a ko-an) to meditate on to facilitate enlightenment (sound anything like what I was doing?).  The point of such a phrase is to silence your rational mind to find the deeper meaning.  When a student is meditating, perhaps on such a question, sometimes, if the student were to show signs of dozing off, their master could yell at them, startling them out of lethargy.  It was described to me as shaking a snow globe that had settled.  By disturbing the mind, it opens to new possibilities.

So, could this question not be a kind of ko-an, with no rational answer, but simply a tool with which to meditate on God and how He leads me to and out of these situations of suffering, and how I really just need to learn to surrender consciously to His will?  And also that I need to be alert in order to UNDERSTAND, to become ENLIGHTENED by seeing my suffering through God's eyes rather than my own?

I'll pray about it.  I'll stay alert.  I'll listen for God to guide me in my discoveries of His vast and wonderful will.  I'm ready.

Literary Black Jack

I heard a rumor that it was National Book Week or something, so I thought I would share a list of books I have read/will be reading this semester:

On the Road (Jack Kerouac)

The Feminine Mystique (Betty Friedan)

Rabbit, Run (John Updike)

Why We Can't Wait (Martin Luther King, Jr)

The Autobiography of Malcolm X (Alex Haley)

A Doll's House (Henrik Ibsen)

The Cherry Orchard (Anton Chekhov)

The Gossamer Years (Mother of Michitsuna)

Democracy is in the Streets (James Miller)

The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test (Tom Wolfe)

Rabbit Redux (John Updike)

The Virtue of Selfishness (Ayn Rand)

Life on the Edge (James Dobson)

Rabbit is Rich (John Updike)

Rabbit at Rest (John Updike)

A Streetcar Named Desire (Tennessee Williams)

Cloud Nine (Caryl Churchill)

Fences (August Wilson)

How I Learned to Drive (Paula Vogel)

Proof (David Auburn)

Bright Dawn (S.K. Kubose)

Happy reading!

A Lazy Afternoon after a Midterm

I'm nearing the end of an incredible week.

The jury's still out on if it's the good kind of incredible, or the horrible kind.

Or the Third Kind.

Things I know for sure about this week:

I drink waaay too much tea.

"Big Booty" changed my life.

It's a definite fact that I can't live with anyone by Kelsea.

A day may start out sunny, but as soon as I walk outside it's going to storm.
Rain on the theater roof gives me a strange feeling of foreboding in the pit of my stomach.

And one more thing: SPRING BREAK BABY.

No alarms at 7:30 in the morning, no strange clumps of hair in the shower drain, no three flights of stairs to crawl up after a long rehearsal... this is starting to sound like heaven.

It Was a Profound Morning

"At some point in your life you've seen that there is something deeper and more profound than the ordinariness of grabbing your morning coffee."

-Anne Spencer

I Dreamed a Dream in Time Gone By

This dream I had was just too weird not to write down.

I find myself trudging into my house after what I suppose was a very long day... apparently at the coal mines.  I look in a mirror and my face is smudged with soot and my clothes are black and dirty.  I drag myself down the hall to my bedroom and pull back my covers to take a nap (dirt and all) and, between my sheets, I find a large cache of tortilla chips, lettuce, and shredded carrots.  And then I yell at the top of my lungs for my mom; she comes down the hall, sees the mess, smiles, and says "Well, the kids just wanted to have a picnic."

I then find myself walking into what I think is a roller rink.  Lots of teams are sitting around the rink stretching and talking.  From across the rink I see my darling friend Aydan in a turquoise tutu at the same time the she spies me.  We run toward each other and and bear hug.  We're talking but I don't know what we're saying, but I suspect it's about the tortilla chip salad in my bed.  As we're talking our equally darling friend Heather runs up to meet us-- except she's about three feet tall and is tugging on my shirttail in excitement.  Then, and old lady from the sidelines says, "They must be seals.  Look how they're hugging."

What does this all mean??

So, It's Been a While

And it may be a while longer.

Life is just... super hectic.  I feel drained.  I know that I'm in a world where most everyone acts differently than me... but I didn't expect this world to be so vastly separate from the one in which I want to live (vague enough?).  

The point is, I need prayers for strength, to live in the world and yet refuse to become a part of it. 

PS- God listens.

I was popping onto an online bible index to search out some suitable verses to leave this blog with, and the verse of the day was precisely what I needed to hear.

Job 23:10-11

“But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His way without turning aside.”

If Job can endure all that he did and still praise the Lord this way, surely I can too.

Be strong and rejoice!